Why us?

I never actually asked this question. I think asking "why us" would fundamentally disagree with my beliefs. Everyone should be equal; this time we were the lottery winners, we got the one of the 3-5 winning tickets from a million.
Having a seriously stigmatizing disorder would be just as unfair on anyone else. I don't believe in a meaning either, I see lots of people who do, good for them. I don't think that I was a bad person in my current or previous lives and thus my bad actions have come back to hunt me down, that's bullshit, this is my blog so I get to swear occasionally, especially when I am lamenting about superficial theories on world order that are so easily passed by ignorant people who don't realize how hurtful their comments are to someone on the other side..
I don't think either that we were chosen because there was this little soul wondering around in eternity and we were the great family for her to be raised up with, to me - albeit flattering- that is equally surreal, I would not choose myself as a parent to a child with a disability, I am not the perfectly thoughtful patient mother.

The truth... if there is such a thing, anyhow, my truth is that something out of a since fiction movie happened to us, I can't comprehend how, and this bugs me because I need to be able to put my head around everything to process things. 1 gene decided to mutate, it's like a software bug as it were... maybe that's too harsh, a software glitch perhaps.

Now, asking "Why Fiona?" is a lot harder question to ask and one that makes me furious, she sure didn't deserve to be set up to live life through such hardship, neither does any other child, but I guess as a parent, my instinct is to react a lot more vehemently.

Will we make the best out of it? - Surely
Do I feel like that I would prefer to have my left leg cut off just so that I could give her some extra height and arm-length to protect her from all the negative discrimination that she will need to face? - Of course, I am sure any parent would choose that - can it be done, nope.

I am a fighter to my core, everything I can recall about  my childhood was about fighting to survive, to overcome a multitude of difficulties, I am not one for surrender, I am the type of person people hate to have arguments with. I cherish every moment with my kids, although some days I cherish most when they are finally asleep, but for the first time ever, I would hit fast-forward if I could. I would fast-forward the next 13-14 years to see that Fi has grown up well adjusted, that she is doing well in school, that through whatever treatment we choose to have, she will be able to manage fine, that she has friends. I would feel sad for not whitenessing every little step of her development, but I think I would still choose to fast forward, I am not looking forward to the hardships that we will have to encounter at all.
Do I have the strengtht to go through this life, no, I don't, not today anyway, but I will, day by day, and some days I will collapse and feel that we can't do it anymore and the next day I will pick up again and move the giant mountain for my daughter, for all 3 of them, because this is what we do as mothers.