Anxious

I rarely lose hope these days. Today is one of those days. My list of anxieties is endless. Mostly I chose to ignore it.

I worry about Fi's major interest in doctors, she has had so many appointments that she is talking a lot about them. "Which I do I need to patch? Which hospital is the eye doctor at? Where am I going next?"

I wonder what it is like to grow up having so much exposure to the medical profession. If I was a bit more lighthearted I would just say that I hope she will become a doctor, which I hope she will.

Of course I know where my anxiety has popped up from today, I am very aware of the origins of my feelings that I mostly chose to ignore.

I am not talking of a little anxious thought that passes through every mother's mind several times a day. I mean the stomach turning debilitating knot type, which makes me unable to do anything than to think about it and write it out.

We have the follow-up meeting with the endocrinologist in about 2 weeks. Once again I will be prepared with all my print-outs and will be dressed nicely to reinforce the good impression I made last time. I couldn't prepare more for a large business proposal or a master's thesis presentation, but none of those things really matter in the bigger scheme of life, but this does.

I am completely at this woman's mercy, 18 months after I have researched growth hormone treatment and decided to give it a shot, I have met with 5 endocrinologists and I am not 1 step closer to getting her started. OK, this is not true, but it feels like it.

I am in contact with parents of all over the western world, who have managed to pull this off and their kids are benefiting from the treatment. I couldn't feel lonelier than how I feel about this issue.